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The SCUMbag is our way of letting you know what's going on at SCUM HQ. Think of it as a large sack full of mail personally addressed to you.

SCUM pioneers new automated video examination policy

Above: SCUM employees Valerie Kenn and Jana Rohal operate a computer equipped with TEST-EASE.

The Society of Cutting Up Movies is set to march boldly forward into the new millennium with the use of an exciting new tool that will facilitate more efficient classification of film and video works. Developed by the Wang Corporation of Taiwan, Inc., TEST-EASE is a complex system that automatically scans the images on a VHS tape and highlights inappropriate content. Contained on a large workstation that requires an entire room to be stored and over a dozen Liverpool proletarians to lift it, the TEST-EASE software is capable of processing over five frames per second - far more than the average SCUM examiner.

But will the new TEST-EASE system invalidate the jobs of loyal SCUM examiners? No, according to board director David Crook: "Like all newfangled machinery, TEST-EASE is not reliable. Even when employed in conjunction with the Digital Image Computer Kalculator (see below), it would surely not be successful in 100% of situations. Therefore, the jobs of SCUM examiners are secure for the foreseeable future."

Renowned SCUM examiner Valerie Kenn, having toyed with the new contraption for several hours, was impressed by how much easier it made her job. "I used to worry that I would miss an indecent image, and would then lose my job, much like Ruth Lynton, who was guilty of failing to notice an erect penis in a recently released piece of sexual trash - but thanks to the advent of TEST-EASE, I can now sleep soundly without fear of losing the proceeds of my expenses claims."

SCUM president Sir Thomas Quint declared: "If I was to point to one phenomenon that had enhanced my quality of life in the recent months, it could only be TEST-EASE. I have experienced much pleasure from investigating and experiencing the joys that this marvelous creation is capable of delivering. I was skeptical of it at first, but as they say, once you've tried it you won't go back!"

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21 January 2005

THE FOLLOWING IS AN IMPORTANT ANTI-PIRACY MESSAGE FROM

FAHR - THE FEDERATION AGAINST HUMAN RIGHTS

Fresh from investigating the stock of a filthy seller of imported foreign muck, the Federation Against Human Rights today issued a statement regarding the piracy of Laser Video Discs, in line with guidelines available at its web site regarding illegal Back-To-Back copying.

Technically over-informed readers were quick to point out that recorders for the LaserDisc format were never made commercially available to consumers, thus making small-scale piracy of the format impossible. "Such claims are nonsense and are made by audiovisual anorak boffins who need to learn more about Real Life before they decide to meddle with the Rule of Great Britain!" announced SCUM president Sir Thomas Quint, speaking on behalf of FAHR.

Indeed, FAHR has now unveiled evidence supporting its claim of unauthorised LaserDisc duplication. Within the last month, over 10 pirated discs were seized from a garage in Bromley that was producing illicit copies of the ILLEGAL work of the lunatic Mexican filmmaker, Dilberto Magenta. Among the discs seized were copies of the banned works The Poker Player, Terror on the Airplane, The Parakeet with the Magnesium Beak and Deep Green. To make matters worse, these discs were not even produced in the United Kingdom. Furthermore, they did NOT carry logos indicating that they had been properly pre-vetted and classified by the Society of Cutting Up Movies!

"This is an utter disgrace," SCUM examiner Jana Rohal declared. "These discs are almost certainly fooling consumers and preventing them from making acceptable purchasing decisions. Whilst the revenue of studios submitting works is an issue, the fact that these poor quality laser videodiscs contain boobies that may be seen by blacks, childrens and homosexuals, is paramount."

Together, SCUM and FAHR are actively investigating this issue and demand that anyone who knows of the whereabouts, or indeed owns, one of these discs, come forward to the police immediately. The SCUM also request that self-proclaimed AudioVisual Know-It-Alls cease their meddling forthwith.

Hosanna!

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4 October 2004

Reformed homosexual hired by SCUM as perversion consultant

The Society of Cutting Up Movies today announced its procurement of a former homosexual, who will serve as an executive consultant at the Board's Perversion Department and will serve on the front lines of the battle against unwholesome practices. Eugene Smedley would once have thought nothing of inserting his manhood into the well-lubricated anus of large, muscular wrestlers, but thanks to ten years of advanced surgery and psychotherapy, SCUM is now pleased to announce that the Eugene Smedley of yesteryear is no more. In his place stands Jock Daring, a paragon of virtue who would never dream of molesting a child, let alone a male. Eugene is just one of many queer men who desired to shake off the shackles of his delicate, feminine past and become a brave, masculine warrior for all that is wholesome. Today he prove his masculinity by accepting one of the manliest jobs around - a position at the Society of Cutting Up Movies.

"There really is no job like it," said SCUM's new director, David Crook, who takes over today from Darius Robbins, whose continual battles against the tyranny of SCUM's foes caused him to suffer a nervous breakdown and defecate in his briefs. "Analysing videogrammes and determining what the lowly public see and what they do not really IS a man's job." He paused to wipe his nose on a silken handkerchief that he produced from his coat sleeve, before chortling and adding, "And we KNOW that it would need to be a REAL man - not one of those lisping sissies!"

Mr. Crook went on to detail how the boy Eugene was dragged, frail and soft-skinned, from his Homosexual Lair in the cess-pits of Liverpool, to the SCUM Laboratory. At the time, Eugune had been receiving anal stimulation - AN ACT THAT ALL HOMOSEXUALS PRACTICE - from his "partner".

"What a disgusting lifestyle choice!" exclaimed renowned SCUM examiner Rosabelle Tayes. "Such behaviour is popular amongst teenagers, who see the limp-wristed sissy as fashionable and desirable. Every little whore in Britain wants to lose her virginity to a flaming queer! Why else would so many people choose to be one of those?"

Before being saved by SCUM, it is believed that Eugene served several years in a jail for young offenders. "Those were some of the best days of my life," declared the reformed queer. "I really discovered who I was as a person and got to experience many new things." It is unknown what these new things were, but one thing's for sure, they would certainly not match up to what Eugene would experience at SCUM. The demented boy underwent ten years of intense correction treatment, including techniques so advanced that they cannot be mentioned on a web site available to people of all walks of life. Indeed, if Saddam Hussein were to stumble across these techniques, he could create an army of demonic warriors with the power to overrun Great Britain and thus bring an end to the Society of Cutting Up Movies! The techniques were successful, of course, and today young Eugene Smedley is a prime example of the wholesome, rosy-cheeked young boy that the Church does love so much. Praise the Lord!

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2 July 2004

SCUM endorses use of new cutting-edge video protection algorithm

The Society of Cutting Up Movies has cancelled a proposed £30,000 donation towards the curing of tropical diseases and instead invested it in the research of a cunning new video technology designed will stop peddlers of smut and innuendo dead in their hell-destined tracks. Developed in conjunction with QueerPlay, the system harnesses the power of a personal computer and analyses incoming videogramme images by converting them into simple two-colour histographs. The system operator is then alerted of inappropriate graphics via a red light and a buzzer. From there, he can choose a variety of stylish cover-up methods to remove offensive illustrations from the work.

Above: a photogram of the hardware prototype after being delivered to SCUMQ.

SCUM today demonstrated the system during a convention at their Soho headquarters. Below are the results of the case study, using the work American Beauty - a videogramme that, due to being written by a man who was not interested in ladies, would unquestionably be vile.

Fig 1.1

Fig 1.1: In this image, the computer has correctly identified the object in the actress' clutches as an offensive firearm. It has used tri-linear samplorithms to obliterate the weapon. A banana has been picked based from an extensive database of replacement graphics. Each image in the collection of over 20 is stored as a 146-bit self-encapsulated quad-linear bitemap. It is to be expected, with further additions to the database expected at a later date, that the number of images will eventually reach one hundred (100), or even more!

Fig 1.2

Fig 1.2: The breasts of a 12-year-old child have been correctly removed. An underwater-rippling like effect has been applied, designed to soothe the viewer and prevent him from molesting minors for up to a whole week. Concerns that perverted watchers might find this covering-up to be voyeuristically pleasing were shushed at the convention.

Fig 1.3

Fig 1.3: Alcohol has been deleted. Lester Burnham teaches kids that you don't have to get drunk to be hip on the streets, you just have to get Jesus! The programme's beverage-matching function replaced his bottle of unholy spirits with refreshing Kool-Aid instead - an option that was lauded with applause by the SCUM board of directors.

Fig 1.4

Fig 1.4: There were cases where the program malfunctioned. Scenes of Lester going about his exercise routine were improperly overlaid with a women's undergarment! "Lester's drooping, unattractive chest may have confused the computer," explained Sir Thomas Quint. "However, one must praise the system for being geometrically accurate.

"He does look rather fetching with or without that though, don't you think?" he asked, before sheepishly adding a boisterously reassuring "JUST KIDDING!!!!", much to the relief of the audience who jeered at such a ridiculous proposition.

It is hoped that development of the algorithm will continue and that the hardware will be deployed to all video manufacturers around the world. This will most assuredly encourage dozens, hundreds even, to accept the word of the Lord Jesus Christ and purge sin from their homes. Eventually, no home on earth will be spared His valour, as the device will be distributed worldwide, meaning that even foreigners (except the drug-addled Scotch and the puss-ridden denizens of Liverpool) will be touched by the power of SCUM.

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1 July 2004

SCUM blames rise of Slaughter Cafes on popularity of American movie

The Society of Cutting Up Movies today announced the results of an extensive study conducted into the rising popularity of Slaughter Cafes, a disturbing concept originating from the Netherlands, whereby patrons pay to be brutally murdered. It is believed that these cafes will soon be arriving on British soil, with the first branch being established in its rightful place, the city of Liverpool.

SCUM president Sir Thomas Quint stated that he believed that this disturbing trend was the result of the popularity of a recent foreign film, the highly unwholesome Fourteen. Directed by an uneducated beatnik named Harriet Cardwicke, the film details (and promotes) the increasingly unclean lifestyle of a young girl, played by a known child prostitute, as she travels down the path of sin and becomes a little harlot. The motion picture, shot on a shoestring budget by slackers who should have been working in cardboard box factories, shows many of the vices usually associated with poverty and prostitution, including robbery, murder and self-abuse. In one notorious scene, the loathsome girl uses a knife to slice her wrists: this is thought to be the sequence that inspired the creation of the Slaughter Cafe.

SCUM director Darius Robbins, who recently announced that he would soon be leaving the Board to become a vicar, stated that he hoped the spread of Slaughter Cafes could be staunched before his departure. "As a God-fearing man and a righteous one, I am appalled by these Slaughter Cafes," he told the press. "Liberal types will no doubt tell you that people have a right to control their own lives, including their deaths, but they are ignoring the fact that some people are not trustworthy enough to be allowed such freedoms. Many of these people, most of them heathens, need to be protected for their own good."

SCUM examiner Courtney Deborell, who was responsible for classifying the work with a much-deserved 18, noted that she had been forced to refuse classification to the DVD-videogram audio commentary, which featured the director and her underage cast laughing and hollering at particularly offensive moments, and urging young viewers to copy the heinous acts. "As the commentary progressed," said Deborell, "the participants became rowdier, and eventually degenerated into what was clearly a mass orgy featuring many young children, sodomized against their will by a group of sinister men. I was quite unable to continue and had to switch the video tape off."

And thus the Society of Cutting Up Movies is prepared for the future and is dedicated to meeting its challenges head-on, no matter how debaucheries they might include. Praise the Lord!

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12 March 2004

SCUM saves children everywhere from work of mad Mexican filmmaker

It was a busy day at SCUM HQ as the board's senior examiners received word that The Poker Player, the latest slasher film from the mentally unbalanced Mexican director Dilberto Magenta, had been released in his barbaric home country to the sound of much whooping and slobbering from its mangy peasants. It's always bad enough when such dangerous material is released into the hands of foreigners (and therefore potential terrorists), but what really shocked SCUM president Sir Thomas Quint was the news that a particularly vile British firm, based in Liverpool, was planning to import the feature and show it to Her Majesty's already troubled subjects.

With the hell of Kill Will still ringing in their ears, the SCUM's tireless examiners sat down to another grueling helping of bloodshed. After the screen finally went black and the lights faded on, examiner Jana Rohal was so ill that she was barely able to press "eject" on the VCR. She immediately staggered to her office and penned a report.

"The work is completely unsuitable for consumption by ANYONE," she scrawled, "but to inflict such material on us Brits is wholly objectionable. I don't know what kind of things they get up to in foreign countries, but we sure as heck don't need to know about it. The Poker Player is filled with debauchery, including nearly non-stop on-screen bloodletting, screaming, and naked bodies. I am as shocked as the next person when it comes to nudity, but it becomes so much worse when the individual in question is DEAD. Surely even a man as vile as Mad Magenta knows that things like these JUST DON'T HAPPEN in this country. No doubt that kind of thing goes on all the time where HE comes from, but I'll be danged if I'm going to sleep at night knowing that a potential child rapist is on the prowl."

It was all over very quickly. SCUM technician Harry Daving telephoned the authorities in Mexico, and moments later, Magenta was in handcuffs. Sir Thomas Quint issued an immediate press release, praising the Mexican police for their rapid response, which went beyond what he had assumed foreigners to be capable of. "This is a proud day for Britain," he beamed. "The Society of Cutting Up Movies has always done and will continue to do everything in its power to extend British Good Taste™ to the world's more primitive nations. Hosanna!"

Whilst visiting Magenta's shack, police officials also confiscated several cigarettes, a bottle of wine, and a video featuring a naked man.

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13 January 2004

SCUM cooperates with foreign board to protect and serve

The SCUM has finished watching Kenton Valentino’s new mega hit, Kill Will: Volume The First, an extremely immoral feature presentation about a deadly female assassin who traverses the globe in order to hunt and slay the menfolk of the world.

Examiner Rosabelle Tayes talked to the press today about the mandatory changes that the distributor had chosen to make to the feature in order to allow it to be exhibited. “There is a particularly harmful sequence in the work,” she barked, “that shows a lot of blood. For certain haemophilic individuals, the sight of too much blood on-screen can trigger the rupturing of several arteries, in the same way that too much strobe lighting can cause people to catch epilepsy.”

As a result of new legislation obliging the SCUM to deal with foreigners, the board’s best child and health psychologists jetted off to the United States of America, and entered into lengthy talks with the TPAA (the Thought Police Association of America). The TPAA, responsible for enforcing an optional ratings system in the United States, is also knowledgeable in the newfangled medium of video games, the influence of which is proven to be responsible for causing Valentino to indulge in such a savage degree of barbarity. There’s safety in numbers, and with that in mind, the SCUM and the TPAA approached Valentino and presented him with an ultimatum: cut the film, or go to jail.

“What a lot of old ****!” rasped Valentino, a known heathen. He went on to imply that young, wholesome, underage Christian boys should sneak into the feature while playing at local art-house theatres, slit their wrists and wear the skins of women as clothes - clearly a very silly concept, since everyone knows that women are for cooking our meals, not for keeping us warm. Worse still, he claimed that young girls around the world should attempt to replicate the atrocities committed by the movie's savage man-hating heroine, portrayed by known atheist Thelma Uman.

“It ain’t good,” said Jacques Valencia, president of the TPAA. “Momma told me when I was a young’un. There ain’t to be no blood-lettin’ on the ol’ TV. That’s the devil in there, reachin’ out to ya. And she said ‘Jacques, don’t you listen to that bad ol’ devil. He ain’t fresh n’ proper, he ain’t meant to be in good homes like this’un’. So he shouldn’t be in anyone else’s homes either.”

Kill Will shall be released entirely unedited in the savage country of Asia, as its peasants are already beyond saving. The SCUM is glad that it is yet to establish a business relationship in this part of God’s good earth.

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13 January 2004

SCUM revisits old favourite and deems it unwholesome for video exhibition

Following the death of its beloved former director Fred Jameson, the Society of Cutting Up Movies is now revisiting all the works He previously classified. One such work was A.P. - The Alien Pervert, a revolting little children's film by the famous Jewish child-molester Sven Stevenberg. The film's plot centred around an ugly, dangerous extra-terrestrial pederast (who looked decidedly Asian), who arrived from afar and proceeded to corrupt children and destroy traditional family values.

"This content was fully acceptable back during the reign of Fred Jameson," retorted Sir Thomas Quint, the new President of the SCUM. "However, now that He is dead, it is no longer acceptable to own a copy of the work as previously classified. The SCUM does not endorse the material contained in the original work."

The SCUM's child psychologists agreed that the film was wholly inappropriate. "What made this video feature particularly disgusting was the fact that no father was present in the family. The little magic monkey man who beamed down in his flying saucer proceeded to become the impressionable young lad's best friend," noted examiner Valerie Kenn. "This was particularly awful as the perverted director appeared to be using A.P. as a metaphor for his own attraction to children. We have no proof that the man has actually assaulted or is attracted to any children, but he is openly Jewish, so that is proof enough for the SCUM."

During the re-classification process, the SCUM counted several occurrences of inappropriate words, such as "douche-bag" and "shit". "How these words have appeared in the film is beyond us," Clara Sow told a local Soho newspaper, "but we believe that this is caused by the oxidization of VHS tapes over time. Originally, the characters were saying words such as 'push-blag', and 'dritt', which are alien rhyming slang words used by the little pederast in the feature. However, this chemical change means that the words now sound vulgar and inappropriate."

When asked how many film, laserdisc and video CD format copies also contained the same words, Clara was unavailable for comment.

The SCUM has asked for all copies of the original video, circa 1982, to be recalled and returned to them. Anyone who is found with a copy and does not comply will have their house raided, lest the unwholesome material corrupt innocent members of the gullible British public. Harry Daving, the SCUM's system coordinator, has been swamped by copies of the original work being returned for re-editing. "This 'ere is a total blinking mess, Guvnor. I've been sittin' 'ere all day like, with me scissors an' all," he tattled.

"Just because the SCUM approved of this film back in the dark ages does not mean that it is in any way acceptable for modern consumers to own," concluded Sir Thomas Quint. "It is always regrettable whenever we are forced to revisit older works, but it is simply an indication of our continually evolving and improving society. Even Liverpool is now more advanced than it previously was (although its citizens are still mentally deficient and living in near-constant squalour). We now aware of many things to which we were completely ignorant not very long ago. Praise the Lord!"

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6 June 2003

SCUM instrumental in halting erotic fair

The Society of Cutting Up Movies today triumphantly made public its involvement in the prevention of an erotic fair, which was due to be held in the festering slag-heap known as Newcastle. The SCUM's Director, Darius Robbins, was first on the scene to explain the board's actions.

"It is the board's opinion that the gullible British public needs protection," he said. "Especially the inhabitants of Liverpool," he added as an afterthought. "Our renowned examiner, Valerie Kenn, happened to be passing by the proposed site of the hideous exhibition, and saw a poster so degrading that she suffered a photosensitive seizure right on the spot. After regainning consciousness, she rushed back to SCUM HQ and made the situation known to the President, Sir Thomas Quint, and myself."

Robbins went on to explain that, although the board is not supposed to become involved in civil affairs, he considered the circumstances so unique that there was no choice but to intervene. With the assistance of the SCUM's colleagues at FAHR (the Federation Against Human Rights), a raid was organized. Several depraved individuals were captured, including - to the board's horror - some women. Those arrested were beaten for several hours, in order to determine whether or not they were involved. Their homes were also raided and any computer equipment discovered was confiscated, in case they contained pornography.

Trading Standards Officers employed at FAHR explained: "Normally we turn a blind eye to pornography when owned by everyday, harmless citizens of this great nation, but when those in possession of the filth turn out to be dangerous criminals, it is quite clear that it was the unwholesome imagery that turned them away from the path of Salvation and into the fetid underworld of Sin.

"Yes," they admitted, "we'd like a complete ban on erotica, but with those damned Liberals harking on about human rights and the like, what's a good old-fashioned Conservative to do?"

What indeed. PRAISE THE LORD!!!11

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26 January 2003

SCUM releases visual aids for classification

Concerned that it was receiving too many queries on the same subjects, the Society of Cutting Up Movies today agreed to release video clips illustrating what is considered acceptable and what is not when it comes to the rating of film and video works. These video clips are presented in RealPlayer format, and are freely available to all white heterosexual Christian males from Great Britain, provided they do not come from Liverpool.

Example of a 'PG' rated work (The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring)

Example of a '12' rated work (Lilo & Stitch)

Example of an '18' rated work (The Matrix)

Said Jana Rohal, one of the SCUM's many fine examiners, "It is our hope that these video files will provide both general audiences and would-be film-makers with guidelines for what is considered acceptable and what is not. It is worth pointing out that, in the case of The Matrix, the sight of head butts warranted an '18' rating, whereas a similar head butt in The Lord of the Rings only required a 'PG'. This is because, in the case of The Lord of the Rings, the proponent of the attack was clearly a black man. Research has shown the black people are far more likely to perform head butts than white people. Therefore, the board felt that, as children of all ages would be all to familiar with such debased violence, there was no reason to prohibit them from seeing it. In the case of The Matrix, however, a white man was clearly seen dealing out head butts. This is extremely unrealistic, and it was felt that such material presented a serious risk of harm. The distributor chose to go with a lower '15' rating, requiring the head butts to be removed. This was what the board was hoping for all along. God is great!"

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29 November 2002

SCUM technical deficiency causes plaguing of British public with unsanitary image

Today, the Society of Cutting Up Movies issued a formal apology to all those who were traumatized in what is revealed to have been the worst blunder in the history of the board. The SCUM has always maintained a strict practice of only examining film works submitted on either 16mm or 35mm prints. Therefore, the latest cinemascope masterpiece from the notorious Australian pornographer/director Corey Swiftbottom, titled Let's Get Randy On The Outback, was scaled down to 35mm from its original 70mm interpositive for submission to SCUM. Lamentably, the resulting reduction in detail meant that examiner Ruth Lynton was unaware that the work which she classified as 'Universal' in fact contained footage of a tiny erect penis for over an hour of the film's duration. Naturally, when displayed in all its Technicolor razzmatazz, on large cinema screens throughout our great nation*, the offensive appendage was there for all to see.

"Truly this was, as the French would say, a tragic cock-up!" jested the recently instated president Sir Thomas Quint, in the SCUM's traditional light-hearted and boisterous style. "I myself have suspected, for many years, that Ms Lynton suffers from a rare form of Down's Syndrome which impairs her vision. We will be re-evaluating her position at the board over the next couple of weeks."

The board also revealed that it would pay an undisclosed sum to the parents of any children who, after viewing the feature, exhibited any of the following symptoms: nervous tics, photosensitive seizures, coughing fits, diarrhea, vomiting, muscle spasms, increased homosexual tendencies, typhoid fever. Renowned paediatrician Dr. John Hillary also suggested that subjecting any child to such a gross horror could make them up to 83.9% more likely to contract Autism. "Such blunders highlight the need for a change of legislation," he noted. "The fact that such an image was allowed to be filmed in the first place is wrong, but nevertheless the SCUM's guidelines are clearly flawed in some way."

Said Lady Whitney Marehouse, a good Christian lady and frequent campaigner for decency in the cinema and on the television: "This part of the human body, while practical, is clearly evil. I would advocate mass castration if it would not prevent my husband, Lord Marehouse, from 'performing'."

The board will take the comments of both Dr. Hillary and Lady Marehouse into consideration when it re-evaluates its legislation early next year.

* Excluding Liverpool.

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12 November 2002

SCUM passes TITFUCKER 3 with cuts for adult cinema audiences

After much deliberation, and mandatory cuts of several minutes, the SCUM has finally agreed to grant an '18' certificate to Titfucker 3, the latest in the controversial Titfucker trilogy from famous French pornography director Raymond Cecile. New chief censor, president Sir Thomas Quint, even viewed several minutes of the work himself, before deciding that a number of cuts would be required before it could safely be released for consumption by the impressionable British public.

In particular, the board drew attention to a montage of stills intercutting imagery of broken mirrors with the bare breasts of a woman. "Such material is unsuitable for viewing by anyone except the censors at the Society of Cutting Up Movies," explains Sir Thomas. "Although to the untrained eye it might seem like nothing more than harmless tomfoolery, it is actually a very powerful reminder of the domestic abuse that is becoming all the more prevalent in our great British society.

"And do you know how many people in this country have breasts?" he continues. "It's just disgusting! Over 90% of all women, through no fault of their own, have these things. To subject these poor fragile creatures to this humiliation would be very un-British."

The sequence in question was shown to a number of leading psychologists; however, the remainder of the film was not, because it was felt that the material might be taken out of context.

Less than a month ago, the board chose to remove a washing machine from a children's animation film in order to grant it the 'U' certificate that it and all animation works rightly deserve. With examples of censorship such as this becoming more and more common, is the board becoming more strict? "No," says Darius Robbins, director of the SCUM. "People who think that are not looking at the wider picture. It's true that we are cutting more material, but in reality this makes us LESS strict."

The issue of classification has never been more controversial. Only last year, a couple of young homosexual perverts were admitted to a movie, and this year, an Arab man was allowed to purchase pornography. "We live in very liberal times," concludes Sir Thomas. "Within the next ten years, it would not be unfeasible to imagine blacks being admitted to movies - even working class ones! Praise the Lord!"

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Press Office Manager: 020 7440 0383
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4 November 2002

SCUM removes harmful kitchen appliance from animated feature
Board director Darius Robbins approves the decision

The Society of Cutting Up Movies today unanimously decided to alter the childish animated frolics of Needle & Scratch, the latest animated feature from the foreign studio of Sir Walter Disney, in accordance with board guidelines. The alteration was made to a scene where a foreign child hid inside a washing-machine device to hide from her older sister (also a foreigner). The decision was made due to the fact that, during a SCUM roadshow earlier this year, in which several guinea pigs were subjected to questionable material, a child hid inside a wicker picnic hamper.

Luckily, the SCUM's excellent child psychologists were on hand to assist and free the traumatised youngster, who was miraculously left unscarred by the event. The SCUM and all those attending were thankful for the safety of the minor. Praise the Lord! The board also entered into discussions with the designers of the hamper, a small Bosnian firm who have been producing picnic baskets of all sorts since the early 1940s. The SCUM agreed that this was the rightful job of these working class people and in accordance with the British Picnic Hamper Safety Act 1982 commanded a redesign the hinges to make them far less harmful. This involved covering the hinges with wood.

"The mother of the child involved seemingly did not see the picnic hamper as a threat," said Sir Thomas Quint, the new president of the SCUM. "We find this to be a highly questionable moral attitude for a responsible adult, and even mothers living in the fetid squalour of Liverpool should be expected to appreciate the dangers of what we all see as everyday objects. This careless attitude struck me as very un-British."

After the screening, as a reward for attending the roadshow, children were offered a chance to come into the basement with Priest Lancelot J. Needles to receive free chocolate. It is because of such traumatic, frequent and evermore unnoticed events (sometimes under our very noses) that the SCUM has made the decision to alter Needle & Scratch.

"Child safety organisations recognise that objects such as polystyrene packaging, light bulbs and plastic spoons present real dangers for some socially and mentally inept children, especially those of ethnic minorities," wheezed examiner Ruth Lynton. "All children are likely to consider these objects fun to hide in. Cuddly toys in particular present certain kinds of danger to small children, as they can readily be cuddled and squeezed and, due to the fact that the toys cannot respond to the child's affection, emotionally scar the youngsters who may think that their affection is not being rightfully returned. This could certainly scald them later on in life, and is proven to be the most common cause of homosexuality and unwanted pregnancies."

In the original, and quite inappropriate American edition of the work, the small child was sighted entering a washing machine, and exiting the device, unharmed, only seconds later. The board’s members include a child psychologist, who agreed that this was unsafe and unsavoury for consumption by the gullible British public. He later received a pay rise for his excellent decision, as did all those who came before him in making such decisions. The amended edition of the work now sees the child hiding inside a pizza takeaway box that is sitting inside a closet. The SCUM is pleased that such a substitution so similar to the original could be made. Praise the Lord!

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12 October 2002