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I fear to watch, yet I can’t look away

Film

In recent months, I’ve been developing a keen interest in bad movies. Since I subscribed to the Amazon UK rental service last September, I’ve seen such doozies as the remake of The Wicker Man starring Nicolas Cage, the Eddie Murphy shit-a-thon Norbit, Uwe Boll’s meisterwerk House of the Dead, the made-for-TV Omen IV: The Awakening and, most recently, Tom Green’s Freddy Got Fingered. Most of these titles were “recommended” by my good friend Baron Scarpia, the bad film connoisseur to end all bad film connoisseurs. He has recently enjoyed Andrea Bianchi’s The Zombie Dead and Claudio Fagrasso’s Troll 2 (the latter being the only film I’ve ever heard of that is so awful that it had to be reviewed in two parts), and I believe he has Norbit in his rental queue lest he renege on his wager with me.

I, however, believe that I may have found the bad movie that puts all other bad movies to shame. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you…

The Hottie and the Nottie.

Starring Paris Hilton.

I like how the poster has to tell us which one is meant to be hot. Notice also that Hilton's name does not appear anywhere on it.

Above: I like how the poster has to tell us which one is meant to be hot. Notice also that Hilton’s name does not appear anywhere on it.

Imagine it, people. Not only is Paris Hilton still permitted to appear in movies, someone actually allowed her to take the starring role in one, and then, sealing the deal, decided to release it in cinemas throughout the United States. That, surely, is irresponsible enough to serve as grounds for a lengthy stretch in prison, if not death by hanging. Keith Phipps over at The A.V. Club has written a warning to the faint-hearted not to go and see the film (this sort of thing is known in some circles as a “review”), but I doubt that he will dissuade me. I have survived Nicolas Cage and the killer bees. I escaped unscathed from rampaging zombies and their turn-table effects. Heck, I even made it through Tom Green masturbating an elephant without even throwing up. You think Paris Hilton’s going to stand in my way? My only previous encounter with her was her guest appearance in an episode of Veronica Mars, where she proved that not only does she look like a deformed wax sculpture (I know, I know, looks aren’t everything, but if you’re starring in a film in which you are described as a “Hottie”, it might help to be at least passably attractive), but also can’t act her way out of a paper bag, so I can only hope that my immune system is high enough not to be struck down by such a prolonged exposure to her.

Some of the comments appended to the A.V. Club review are pretty funny in their own right. On the subject of the infamous Paris Hilton sex tape:

My freshman year of college one of my hallmates got that and had us all watch it. It was so long and slow that Tarkovsky could’ve directed it.

- KaneLynch

I love movies that tell you that being ugly doesn’t matter as long as you turn out to actually be really hot.

- Tooncedale

I’m pretty sure Paris Hilton herself pitched this.

And by “pitched” I mean sucked cock.

And by “sucked cock” I mean let an executive shit on her chest.

And by “let an executive shit on her chest” I mean told Zach Braff that people like him.

- Elitist Trash

By all reasoning this movie is something that should make me absolutely furious but for some reason it doesnt. For one I think it is pretty awesome that even though they clearly tried to make “the nottie” as hideous as possible she still isnt really that much worse than Paris Hilton. And I am not saying that because Paris is a cum dumpster. If I was at a club/bar and saw these two together I would have to think for a few seconds which one was better.

- Fuzzy Cootie

Am I alone in thinking Daniel Day Lewis might actually be able to pull off a convincing portrayal of Paris Hilton?

- Johnny5000

I think Paris Hilton looks like Squidward.

- Middle Man of Time

I think I’d rather fuck Squidward than Paris Hilton.

- Persia

The estimated box office for this weekend is $23,000, opening on 111 screens. It made $76 a screen on Friday.

- Juggernaught_

Pfff! They don’t know what they’re missing.

PS. A rental copy of the Blu-ray release of Michael Bay’s dog turd of a wartime epic, Pearl Harbor, landed on my desk today. I’m sure that, compared to The Hottie and the Nottie, it will seem like a masterpiece.

 
Posted: Tuesday, February 12, 2008 at 7:22 PM | Comments: 4
Categories: Cinema | Reviews | Web

 
Comments

1.

Why certainly! After watching the complete and utter crap I've recently endured, and as I'm still waiting to endure Norbit, why shouldn't I further mutilate what's left of my common sense by watching a Paris Hilton film?

On a similar topic, I've been thinking very seriously recently about watching Dirty Love. Dirty Love is a film that makes those who watched Freddy Got Fingered flee for the hills. It's a major studio production, yet in its USA opening weekend made $23,000, and that ain't a typo. The next week the figure was $822! I cannot pass the challenge up. (https://jabootu.net/?p=1255)

First, however, I'm going to watch a boxed set of Werner Herzog films, to remind myself what a good film looks like.

By the way, I feel incredibly guilty that I haven't seen Norbit yet. I know this is the fault of Lovefilm rather than mine, but I just thought I should apologise.

Posted by: Baron Scarpia, February 12, 2008 8:16 PM

2.

I hope you at least listened to the over the hilarious commentary track on HOUSE OF THE DEAD??? Its the funniest thing i have EVER HEARD!!!


Posted by: ARCVILE, February 12, 2008 8:59 PM

3.

Ebert and Roeper review THE HOTTIE AND THE NOTTIE:

Link

Posted by: Marcus, February 13, 2008 12:24 AM

4.

Sadly, these days I watch more trash than anything else. I seem to have developed a fetish for the oeuvre of Rob Schneider, which is never something to admit to lightly. Also, thanks to a certain torrent site, I've enjoyed hysterically, fantastically bad crap that never made it anywhere near DVD.

Speaking of Uwe Boll, I was extremely disappointed that he lied to me, and that Kristina Loken does not get "full naked" in Bloodrayne.

Posted by: anephric, February 13, 2008 12:49 AM

Comments on this entry and all entries up to and including June 30th 2009 have been closed. The discussion continues on the new Land of Whimsy blog:

https://www.landofwhimsy.com

 

 
 
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